Stuck, Defensive, or Overwhelmed? How to Start Moving Forward Again

How to Start Moving Forward Again

There are times in life when we know something needs to change.

Maybe it is a conversation we need to have. Maybe it is a habit we keep putting off. Maybe it is a decision we have been circling for too long. We can feel it. Something is not working.

And yet, instead of moving forward, we protect ourselves.

We blame.

We make excuses.

We deny how much something is affecting us.

Sometimes we do it out loud. Sometimes we only do it internally. And often, it sounds reasonable.

“It is not really my fault.”

“I cannot do anything about it right now.”

“It is not that bad.”

“I already know what I need to do.”

But knowing is not the same as changing.

That is where personal agency matters.

One helpful way to think about this is the difference between B.E.D. and O.A.R.

B.E.D. stands for Blame, Excuses, and Denial. It is the place we often go when we feel overwhelmed, threatened, ashamed, or stuck.

O.A.R. stands for Ownership, Accountability, and Responsibility. It is the place where we begin to ask better questions.

Not, “Whose fault is this?”

But, “What part of this can I own?”

Not, “Why can’t I change?”

But, “What is one response I can choose from here?”

The image I keep coming back to is someone sitting in a boat. You can sit there as long as you want. No one can force you to move. But if you want to go somewhere, eventually you have to pick up the oar.

That does not mean everything is your fault.

It means your next response still matters.

And that distinction is important.

Because when people hear words like ownership or responsibility, they can sound harsh. They can sound like shame. But shame usually does not help people grow. Most of the time, it makes us more defensive.

A lot of blame, excuses, and denial come from self-protection. When we feel criticized, powerless, rejected, embarrassed, or overwhelmed, our nervous system can treat that as a threat. And when we feel threatened, curiosity usually disappears.

We defend.

We shut down.

We avoid.

We explain.

We say, “I know,” because “I know” can become a wall. It can end the conversation before it gets too uncomfortable.

But a better question might be:

If I know, then what is getting in the way?

That question moves us from certainty to curiosity. And curiosity is often where change begins.

Moving from B.E.D. to O.A.R. is not about pretending life is easy. It is not about ignoring pain, stress, unfairness, or real limitations. It is about finding the place where you still have choice.

Maybe the shift sounds like this:

• Instead of “It is not my fault,” asking, “What part of this can I influence?”

• Instead of “That is just how I am,” asking, “Is this pattern still serving me?”

• Instead of “They need to change,” asking, “What response reflects who I want to be?”

Those questions do not fix everything.

But they can open a door.

And sometimes that is where real movement starts.

This is also where support can help. A counselor, coach, or trusted guide cannot row the boat for you. They cannot choose your direction for you. But they can help clear some of the mental debris. They can help you slow down, notice patterns, name what is happening, and reconnect with your ability to respond.

At Berry Wellness Group, that is part of what we care about: helping people move forward with honesty, compassion, and practical support. Not by shaming people into action, but by helping them become more aware, more grounded, and more able to participate in their own growth.

So here is a simple place to begin.

Think about one area of your life where you feel stuck.

Then ask:

Where am I blaming?
Where am I making excuses?
What am I denying or minimizing?
What part of this can I own?
What is one small action I can take this week?

Do not use those questions to beat yourself up.

Use them to get honest.

There is a difference.

Being stuck does not mean you have failed. Feeling defensive does not mean you are broken. Avoiding something does not mean you are hopeless.

It may simply mean part of you is trying to stay safe.

But when you are ready to move forward, the question becomes:

What oar is in front of me, and what would it look like to pick it up?

You do not have to row the whole distance today.

But you can begin with one honest stroke.